Bill Blunt's Guide to Wetherspoons: No 3: Doncaster: The Gatehouse

Ever since its publication in serialised form in 1928, rumours have persisted that Michail Sholokhov penned the opening chapters of his seminal piece of fiction, And Quiet Flows The Don while sat in the snug of a pub somewhere in Doncaster, South Yorkshire.

It's a seductive idea and, as any journalist worth his salt will tell you, you should never let the absence of any corroborating facts get in the way of a story. But that doesn’t mean we should believe everything the Doncaster Tourist Information Centre tells us in an attempt to lure visitors to the place.

As my loyal reader will know, I’m not a man who scorns the opportunity to travel - there’s not a lot of moss on Bill Blunt, I can tell you. So, when Reggie Mackeson, my old pal on the Doncaster Free Press, invited me across the Pennines for the weekend, I was quick to accept. He’s always eulogized about the place, so I was keen to sample its delights. Now, I don’t mind dark, Satanic mills – but when it comes to dark Satanic schools, dark Satanic churches and dark Satanic supermarkets, I can tell you: I’ve had my fill. In their obviously very finite wisdom, the city planners of Doncaster have elected to knock down a ghastly 1970’s-period shopping centre and replace it with a perfectly awful 21st century one.

I thought, however, I could take advantage of the trip to add another chapter to the Bill Blunt Guide to Wetherspoons, which is starting to take shape.

No one can be sure whether The Gatehouse was the very pub in which Sholokhov dashed out the first few lines of his epic Don masterwork. But the facts are clear that there has been an inn on the site since at least 1670. Messrs Wetherspoon didn’t get in on the act until early 2002, modernizing and transforming it into the pub it is today.

Early impressions are of a clean and spacious venue, if a tad on the dark side. Perhaps the fact that I was visiting for breakfast on a rather dull, Saturday morning in February had something to do with that, or maybe the lights were dimmed to protect the sensitivities of the dozen or so sterling men who, even at 9am, seemed to have no compunction in downing a pint (and more) of ale.

The staff at The Gatehouse are an exceptionally friendly and amiable bunch. Presentation-wise, the breakfast was a little lack-lustre, with the fried egg haphazardly thrown over the baked beans and bacon. But it was hot, tasty and greaseless – well-up to the usual Wetherspoon breakfast standard. And a bit more training on the coffee machine wouldn’t go amiss, if they are ever to master the art of serving up a decent cappuccino. However, since Reggie had a couple of vouchers he’d had delivered as part of a marketing campaign, the brekkie and coffee only cost us £1.99 each, so it would be churlish to complain too much.

I wasn’t able to test out the wi-fi signal at The Gatehouse, but Reggie assures me he’s never had much problem logging on there.

All in all, then, you won’t be disappointed by this one.

Decor: 8/10
Food Quality: 9/10
Value for money: 10/10 (using discount voucher)
Location: 6/10
Wifi Access: 9/10

For the sake of humanity, your help is needed!

Those who have followed the news of the mounting chaos and misery in South Yorkshire, as relentless rain has brought in its train flooding of almost epic proportions, will doubtless wish to consider how they can help the unfortunate victims.

My pal on the Doncaster Free Press, Reggie Mackeson, recently e-mailed me with an up-date on the current situation - which is bleak.

Here's what he had to say:

FLOODS HIT BENTLEY

A major flood hit on Monday evening, with the main damage occuring in Bentley & Tollbar, England.

The town's 35,000 racing pigeons were pressed into action, swiftly taking news of the disaster as far afield as Hull and Keighley, as victims were seen wandering around the streets, aimlessly muttering "chuffinnorah".

Some estimates put the damage caused as high as £45, with several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were destroyed as the waters rose.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. The local radio station Trax reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered,still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Bentley & Tollbar. One such resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon of Daw Lane was quoted as follows: "It was such a shock! My little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning". Locals seemed determined not to be bowed, however, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on much as normal.

So far, the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, while rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:
· Fila or Burberry baseball caps
· Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
· Shell suits (female)
· White sports socks
· Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts can make a real difference.

Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.

Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

Remember!

Just 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

£2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russell Terriers

Please do not send tents for shelter, as such luxurious accommodation may lead residents to believe they have been forcibly relocated to Doncaster.

There will be those who consider that, in an era of compassion fatigue, this is just 'another disaster'. For the people of Bentley and Tollbar, however, the situation is dire.

If it wasn't for the natural propensity of Yorkshire fowk to be able to laugh at themselves and their misfortune (honed under subsequent Conservative Governments since the 1930's), I am sure that the situation would be intolerable.