For the sake of humanity, your help is needed!

Those who have followed the news of the mounting chaos and misery in South Yorkshire, as relentless rain has brought in its train flooding of almost epic proportions, will doubtless wish to consider how they can help the unfortunate victims.

My pal on the Doncaster Free Press, Reggie Mackeson, recently e-mailed me with an up-date on the current situation - which is bleak.

Here's what he had to say:

FLOODS HIT BENTLEY

A major flood hit on Monday evening, with the main damage occuring in Bentley & Tollbar, England.

The town's 35,000 racing pigeons were pressed into action, swiftly taking news of the disaster as far afield as Hull and Keighley, as victims were seen wandering around the streets, aimlessly muttering "chuffinnorah".

Some estimates put the damage caused as high as £45, with several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were destroyed as the waters rose.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. The local radio station Trax reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered,still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Bentley & Tollbar. One such resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon of Daw Lane was quoted as follows: "It was such a shock! My little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning". Locals seemed determined not to be bowed, however, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on much as normal.

So far, the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, while rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:
· Fila or Burberry baseball caps
· Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
· Shell suits (female)
· White sports socks
· Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts can make a real difference.

Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.

Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

Remember!

Just 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

£2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russell Terriers

Please do not send tents for shelter, as such luxurious accommodation may lead residents to believe they have been forcibly relocated to Doncaster.

There will be those who consider that, in an era of compassion fatigue, this is just 'another disaster'. For the people of Bentley and Tollbar, however, the situation is dire.

If it wasn't for the natural propensity of Yorkshire fowk to be able to laugh at themselves and their misfortune (honed under subsequent Conservative Governments since the 1930's), I am sure that the situation would be intolerable.