As Jacqui Smith deals with the inevitable public disquiet about the UK taxpayer footing the bill for her husband to watch a couple of blue movies in the privacy of their (second) home in Redditch, Worcestershire, it's hard not to feel some sympathy for our Home Secretary.
I'm pleased to say, however, that I've managed it. 
My own approach to MP's expenses is grounded in my years of toil in the cut-throat world of provincial journalism. It was cast after a fateful carpeting at the hands of the Stockport Sentinel's firm but fair editor, Wally Green. He raised his (famously bushy) eyebrows when, as a nervous, wet-behind-the-ears cub reporter (fresh from secondary school) I presented him with my first ever expenses claim.
I can still hear his stentorian tones as he scanned the carefully-typed sheet with barely-concealed contempt. "Mr Blunt!" he exclaimed, causing his secretary to look up from her typing and prepare herself to enjoy the imminent onslaught. "Since when did the vicar of St Olafs need three pints of stout and a whisky chaser to be persuaded to reveal the takings at the annual Jumble Sale? Do you think our accountants are imbeciles?"
A lesson learned early in life is one that should stay with you forever, and I'm pleased to say that, since that day, I've been altogether more meticulous in my expenses claims. Under Wally's expert guidance, I soon learnt how to draft them so they would pass across the accountant's desk with scarcely a murmur. The Miracle of St Olaf was to magic stout into sherry.
Any sympathy for Second Home Secretary Mrs Smith is hard to muster. It takes a certain lack of skill to be unable to hide the cost of a couple of pay-per-view movies in the vast pile of cash that MPs are able to claim in expenses each year. Surely Mrs Smith and her husband (employed by her, at public expense, for an estimated £40k per year) can do better than that?
We can all learn from this sorry episode. I'm sure that Wally Green, were he alive today, would have been happy to advise MPs on how to effectively massage their claims so as to make the bits they don't want the public to see disappear- for a small fee, of course. Or maybe just expenses.
6 comments:
An excellent article Mr Blunt with an excellent title ....... and some very useful advice. I might seek your guidance when trying to get my pocket money from the terrible Goddess ...
Thank you kindly, DP. I am always just a phone call away whenever you need guidance on your relations with the terrible Goddess, as I hope you know.
Oh, I don't know, I think the occasional oddity like this is worth having a few lax expense rules for. If we get too stringent think of the fun we'd miss.
When you look back there must be oodles of oddities waiting to be discovered. For example, I wonder whether David Mellor ever claimed for any of the Chelsea memorabilia he employed whilst entertaining ladies.
following this revelation I today learned that a fellow employee was being investigated by our internal bootboys about a travel claim that amounted to a over claim...she had claimed for a carrier bag in M&S after buying food to take back to her hotel room .. it cost 25p.
the world has gone mad and I am awaiting the knock on the door !! & being frog marched from my desk for claiming hot drinks cups I bought from the £ shop (that cost a pound for 50) that I should have bought from our supplier that cost £5....
I am sure I saw that shirt on ebay, Crofty. And perhaps you are right, with oodles more entertainment awaiting us as more revelations are published.
As for you, 70steen, you might be better getting a plea bargain together while you still can. You have plenty readers who will testify to your honesty, though, if the worst comes to the worst!
Thank you Bill I may be coming to you for a character (or is Caricature?) reference
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