Friday, 24 December 2010

Merry Christmas - And May You Shop Til You Drop!

Despite the weather, I trust everyone has been doing their patriotic duty by spending, spending and spending, to help the country out of the hell-hole it has found itself in since the election of Messrs Cameron and Clegg, Undertakers to the Nation.

As I am sure you will have recognised, supermarket shopping at this time of the year involves driving round and round a car park for 10 minutes looking for a parking space before squeezing into one that's far too small because some selfish bastard with a Y reg Vauxhall Vectra with rusty wings and a hole in the door has parked across two spaces because he doesn't want anyone to scratch his car. And you can't find a shopping trolley, apart from the one offered to you by someone with a weeping skin infection on their hands. And the store is full of miserable people buying mountains of food because fat Uncle Fred is coming with his retarded brood of mouth-breathers. And everyone is part of some infernal conspiracy to go in the opposite direction to you or stand in large groups blocking the aisle, engaged in inane monosyllabic conversation about Auntie Enid's prolapsed uterus or Kevin's piles. And everything on your list is sold out, but that doesn't matter because the queues are so long that several people have given up the will to live and committed ritual hara-kiri with a French stick. And when you do finally get to the till, it's is operated by an adenoidal teenager with the world's biggest overbite who is passing items through the scanner at the rate of one every total eclipse, and calling on the manager every 30 seconds because every item in your basket has a faulty bar code, but the manager can't help because he's cleaning up in aisle 3 because someone from the shallow end of the gene pool has had one of the supermarket's turkey dinners in the sadly misnamed restaurant and has contracted amoebic dysentry and didn't quite make it to the toilets...*

May you enjoy Christmas, and may 2011 be kind to you!

Best Wishes

Bill Blunt

* I am indebted to Mr Colin Blunt for his description of supermarket shopping.


Gail said...

Yes, grim indeed Bill. My trips to the shops have been kept to an absolute minimum. Thank goodness for online shopping. And to avoid tales of piles and prolapsed uterii, I find it best to keep Christmas Very Quiet.....

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious. Love it.

I work at John Lewis now but before that worked in our sister company, the supermarket Waitrose.

I still worked there last Christmas and was given the delightfully dangerous task of 'manning the queues'. Essentially this involves standing at the front of one of those massive queues and holding a big tin on Quality Streets to calm the people down a bit. Works a treat though!

- Tom

Bill Blunt said...

Thank you, Gail and Tom. I've recovered, and am feeling much more like my usual self now. Bah, humbug!

lucylastic said...

Just catching up on my blogs, but am sure you must have been at Tesco's in Swindon for this account!!! If only you'd have said, you could have dropped in for a festive noggin! Happy New Year!!! Lucy (lucylastic)

UK said...

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