Thursday, 7 February 2008

Injury Time

Over the course of a lifetime in journalism, I have inevitably incurred my fair share of injuries. A blackened eye - administered by an association footballer who liked to think of himself as ‘professional’ (but who was strictly amateur when it came to answering questions about his alleged affair with a waitress), was not the least of them. A broken rib or two - caused by slip on a step outside the Dog and Kettle in Stockport (which the brewery solicitors refused to accept was uneven, choosing to defend my claim by producing my - admittedly rather large - bar bill) figures somewhere along the line. And an injured knee – occasioned by a hammer-wielding ex-husband in a suburb of south Manchester (which shall remain nameless: no veil would be discrete enough where that story is concerned).

But the strangest injury of all has to be the one that has got me tapping away at my keyboard much more slowly than usual, with the middle finger of my right hand splinted up for the next 6 weeks thanks chiefly to a fight with a sock.

This posting is, therefore, published as a warning to any man (or indeed, woman) out there who carelessly attempts to remove their socks tonight, without giving a thought to the potential for bodily injury.

STOP!

Think carefully before you absent-mindedly try to push off a sock with an extended finger. Had I had the foresight to be in Seattle in 2001, I might have learned about Fran Joy’s experience, and given more thought to what I otherwise had come to think was a fairly safe procedure. Having followed the advice (from an early age) of many of my teachers to ‘pull my socks up,’ I always believed I had become equally skilled at removing them. After all, in the simple act of removing a sock, no ladders, no electrical apparatus, and no dangerous chemicals are involved. And it’s an act I’ve performed at least 40,000 times in my life - sometimes more than twice a day (pass the discrete veil again, please).

However, I am here to testify about the dangers: mallet finger, and two months in a splint, awaits all who fail to heed my warning. Tonight, then, take extra care when taking off your socks. You’ll be glad you did.

14 comments:

sylvie d said...

sorry Bill....that will go in the same files as " man's flu" in my repertoire...:-)

Theresa H. Hall said...

What in the heck were you doing to incur such an accident?

70steen said...

I can't believe that a sock has caused such an injury?? It must have been done in 'some haste' .... time for some Sanatogen (fortifies the over 40's lol )
http://www.sanatogen.co.uk/

Sugar Queens Dream said...

Hey there Bill, I haven't you visited in ages but then that's NOT your fault. I have really turned my blog into a winner, in part thanks to you and of course to many others... I will never forget the boost up you gave my blog, with "Bills first big up".... I am writing another Blog now but it is much more dark and is a true account of my childhood, with my ever ending need to also put a little of this and that in it~~Thanks and have a good day...
Sugar Queen's Dream

Bill said...

Hmmm - I can see I'll get no sympathy from my readers!

Thanks for your comments, though. And I'll be sure to drop by to look at your new site, SQD!

Crofty said...

And why, 70s, would a man of advancing years not want to rip off his clothes with some haste?!

Just because we are over forty does not necessarily lack vigour in the enthusiastic undressing stakes!

Bill Blunt said...

Thanks for springing to my defence, Crofty. It's true, we men of advancing years can still find ourselves in situations where it pays to remove our kit with some speed.

However, this most recent experience has shaken me up a bit, and I'm working on the Bill Blunt Patent Sock Remover, so that no other man should face the embarrassment I did.

70steen said...

Oh Crofty not for a minute did I think a man (or woman for that matter) of advancing years would not wish to succumb to a bit of hastily ripping off of garb..... I was just offering a bit of advice to make the ripping off less painful as the joints 'ain't what they were once' (In Bill's case .. his finger!!)

Hip replacements. however, maybe another option ;-)

Crofty said...

Velcro...that's the answer. I seem to remember that's what male strippers use to make the divesting of uniforms and the like easier.

Bill Blunt said...

Before the rumour-mongers gather to snap at my heels and pick over my bones, I should state quite categorically that I have never been a male stripper, nor was I engaged in that exercise while removing my sock. If I had been, I would have removed it slowly, seductively and in a teasing sort of way - and perhaps would have avoided the injury in the first place!

70steen said...

Crofty you do seem ever so well informed... you are not moonlighting are you???

Crofty said...

Have you not seen The Full Monty (or this week's Hollyoaks for that matter!).

Mind you, as the saying goes, every little helps ;-)

Bill Blunt said...

Far better to enjoin the ladies to 'Try Something Different', Crofty...

70steen said...

So Crofty which Tesco are you appearing at??? ;-)