Ever since the renting-assunder of my marriage, relations with my son Jasper have not been what they should. He seems to have spent more time down in Ipswich, giving credence to my theory that he was a mummy's boy. Nevertheless, I've missed his 'dropping by', and I've been at pains to let him know my door is always open to him.
His most recent visit saw him, as usual, 'analysing my stats'. He's always been keen to ensure that my blog meets the needs of its readers, and studying where they come from, why they come her and what they think when they arrive has become a bit of an obsession for him.
'Pa,' he said, on a recent trip to the Wirral, 'you're losing it.' Apparently, my Technorati ranking has plummeted. When pressed, he suggested this might be for the simple reason that I haven't been posting as frequently as I once was.
He knows my situation. More worryingly, he hinted darkly that his mother was considering publishing her own blog, based on a diary she apparently kept during our near-forty years of marriage. I must admit, I was shocked at the prospect. It's one thing for me to post my own reflections on life, but quite another for the former Mrs Blunt to want to do the same. I can only think this has been prompted by Tommy Fishfinger, her new paramour, who has doubtless been filling her head with thoughts of the fame and fortune that might accrue were she to spill the beans on her marriage to one of sport's more infamous journalists.
I'm not happy about it - not one little bit. I have instructed my solicitors to scour the internet and to alert me to any calumnies. There's a big, fat writ waiting in the wings, I can tell you.
Meanwhile, Jasper has helpfully produced another report on 'How People Find Me'. It makes sobering reading, and suggests I need to broaden my subject-matter, lest readers think I have become obsessed by Wetherspoons, Prolectrix Mp3 players and the Georgian Massage parlour in Oldham. I fully acknowledge that, if these subjects are the ones that are driving traffic to my site, I need to think carefully how I label my postings in future. After all, who would want to be thought of as a sozzled, music-obsessed frequenter of brothels in the Oldham area? Particularly when I can aspire to become the world authority on Kappa tracksuit fetishes...
3 comments:
There are still many more Wetherspoons' crying out to be reviewed - your life's work is not yet done, so do not pay too much heed to that mummy's boy Jasper and his Technorati stats.
Dear Mr. Blunt,
The long lost Andrew Goulding here (feel free to delete this post if you consider it SPAM).
As a former journalist and with your changed circumstances, I thought you might like to take a peek at my book & pop music album The View From Bondi, which is almost ready for sale.
http://www.andrewgoulding.com/
The-View-From-Bondi.html
I'm passing out a few freebie copies to some friends and acquaintances in return for reviews. Are you interested?
I describe the book as:
A literary Pulp Fiction
Sex In The City For Guys
A bit of a wank
A good laugh
A partial philosophical treatise
The slickest piece of goddam writing since Run, Spot, Run
It's M-rated, by the way and there is a low-budget video presentation in 2-parts at the site.
Get back to me if you're interested.
ADG
You know what they say, sir - the Oldhams are the best!
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